Wish that I could cry, fall upon my knees

Over and over and over and over again. I just keep making the same mistakes, watching as my life slowly slips away, completely, totally, utterly wasted. Watching as I become more and more of what I hate, spinning out of control until I loose all consciousness and go back to living on instinct alone. I’ve been an emotional wreck this week, and I don’t even have a good reason why.

I want, so badly, to be the Jonathan kind of person. Pulled together, always cheerful, poised, calm, friendly, intelligent, others-focussed… but whenever I start trying, it’s all just an act that lasts no longer than a moment. The authentically takes over, I’m stuck in the roll of a lost, clueless, violently emotional, pathetically selfish little girl desperately in need of someone to come rescue me with absolutly nothing to offer in return.

It's like I know what I want in life. But I honestly can't see myself ever being worthy of my own dreams, nor capable of fufilling them.

This has just been one of those days. Where I am so fed up with who I am that I honestly can’t believe that anyone in the world could ever love me. And I know it’s absurd. The logical part of my brain scoffs at it, but nothing anyone says can convince me that they really do care. It just seems utterly absurd to ask anyone to care about such a messed up person as myself- I almost don’t even want anyone to care, cuz I just don’t feel like I deserve it.

My instinct is begging me to just give in- to do something major like go anorexic or stage a suicide attempt or start cutting myself. Who would really care? Who would be the first to notice? Would people worry about me? And give me attention? And then I hate myself more for thinking these thoughts.

It seems like every now and then, I get to the very brink of catching whatever it is that I’ve been chasing all my life. And for a brief moment, I believe in myself. I can communicate, everyone loves me, I can help others, I can stand on my own, I can smile. I'm not that insecure girl in jean jumpers and round glasses anymore- I've grown up. Then just before my fingers close around this invisible prize the ground beneath me crumbles and I’m sent rolling back to square one, and nothing about me has changed at all, and all the good things you all think you see in me is nothing more than another big act in this little drama I'm getting such a kick out of staging.

I just can’t live with myself anymore. And what I want to do is delete this pathetic cry for sympathy and go write a Jonathan type of post.

“Isn’t it a beautiful day? Today was a wonderful opportunity for me to reach out to those I don’t usually spend time with at church. Unfortunately Pastor Martin was sick, but it was such a blessing to hear Mr. Villa speak! His message really spoke to me…”

Blah blah blah. I can’t do it. It would all be a lie, even if I’m speaking the truth.

I don’t want to be this kind of person. The kind who is negative and depressed all the time. I just want to climb out of this morbid hole and dance through meadows of daisies with ribbons in my hair. I want to laugh and sing and take the whole world along for the ride. Inspire people, punch through this negativity, change the world one smile at a time. To be there to give life to others, rather than sucking it out of them.

But that’s not who I am. And sure, I could pretend- but where does that get me? Don't the Johnathans in life ever just break down crying? Don't they ever give in? Why am I giving in so much? To be honest, I desperatly want to find something wrong with me, so I can have an excuse for being so messed up. The only problem is that there's nothing wrong with me. I'm a normal human being capable of so much more. I live a beautiful, richly blessed life.

I have no excuse.