Do you ever have thoughts that you come to terms with once, and then resolve never to think about again? Like the frustrating truth that each of my friends sees my friendship with them very differently then I do. Or the inevitable influence that people have over my beleifs. That one's really inescapable. It's much better to not think about it at all; just accept that you'll be fighting it for all of your life and think of it as a victory. Otherwise you'll just keep going back to square one and you'll never get anywhere.
What I want to do and what I say I want to do are always different. In big things and little. Well, does anyone ever know for sure what they really want? I don't know. But I think what I really want, when I stop listening to all the high-minded voices floating through my head, is much simpler then what I say I want.
So I've decided not to pursue college anymore from this point on. I'll still take classes at Pierce for the remaining two quarters of this year, just to get some difficult High School classes in. Before I can graduate I need 2 foregin language credits (three years of Latin doesn't count for some reason), 0.5 P.E. credits, 1 social studies credit, and 6.5 in electives. I'll take Spanish 1 and 2 at Pierce, history and P.E. at home, and 3ish electives at Pierce. The remaining electives I can hopefully cover over the summer, they're easy. And I'm still taking English 101 this quarter so that most of my electives can be writing classes.
And then I can graduate by the end of summer 2008!
I'll still have one free year of Running Start to use, so I might do a career training program that they have. It's not even on campus and it sounds pretty cool. Meanwhile I can work, and hopefully move out, and after that get an even better job because of my career training. I will write on the side, just for kicks and grins, like I do now. My main dream will be to get novels published, but I don't want it to be my job. I think I'd like a job kind of like what I'm doing now, only a little higher up in rank. Or I might have some other crazy ideas too. :-)
I don't think I have any dreams that I exactly need a college degree to fufill. One thing that I hate about my life is that I don't have any black friends, I don't have any unbeleiving friends, I don't ever have my faith challenged, and I'm not doing anything for outreach- it's the bubble thing. I am very eager to get my life started, to get out there and live. Find a church I like. Meet new people. Try new things. As long as I'm in school, I'm parent dependant. And you know this crazy thing? I am dying to get back out to the prarrie. I never though location and weather and landscape meant anything to me, but they do! I would LOVE to go live out there in a small town and build my own life.
Soon.
Plus, I hate school and I don't see how it's doing anything for me. Isn't that a terribly immature thing to say? I just hate it, and I am absolutely terrible at it. I can't take tests, I can't study, the pressure just kills me (and I hate Pierce too, btw). It finally came to the point where I had to say, is it really worth this to spend the next four+ years doing something I hate this much? Why am I doing this anyway? And I found that my reasons were all wrong. Pride and pressure. I know me very well, and if I'm going to get anywhere in life it isn't going to be a college degree that gets me there. I know, I know, what most of you are thinking. Just you wait and see. I'm never going to be normal, I never wanted the American dream, but it's going to be awesome.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Ladies and gentlemen, we are one step closer to the treasure.
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16 comments:
I feel really rotten about this, now that it's out there, btw. Maybe I should go.
Oh no Em!! I actually think it's wonderful that you've put off college for now. It's what I'm doing, partly because I don't have a choice, but partly because I don't want to do more school! I want to dance. And THAT'S what I'm going to do.
*hugs* I'm still trying to figure out if my perspective of our friendship being different from yours is a good thing or a bad thing. @_@ *hugpoke* I miss you lots and lots. In my own little world, or, OUR, little world, we live right next door to each other and live in the middle of nowhere half prari, half mountains....
and we have a pony.
*grin*
Emily!!!! come live in Smalltown USA Buckley with me!!! (we get lots of snow here or in Carbonato, btw if that helps you).
My only advice to you is to do something you love with your life, and let everything you do revolve around what God's telling you. I know that sounds soooo cliche, but I was just thinking today that a lot of cliche's are true, you just have to really think about them for them to have meaning.
I think it's very interesting what you said about your friends/friendships. could you clarify maybe? It just seems weird to me, I've always understood most of what you say so perfectly, what aspect of the friendship do you view differently than me? I'm very confuzzled.
And it took guts to say what you said. It's commendable, and nothing less. don't feel rotten or embarrassed or anything - it's good that people know you or you'll just end up like a hermit.
Is the pony named Ichabod?
no, the pony's name is Timri. Em and I already named it.
I think you've made a good choice for you Em. I thought about it and honestly I can see you really getting into the community of college but not the schoolwork. if this is really what you want, then yes, go for it all the way and we'll be right behind you every step. and if you ever want to move in with me, don't hesitate. I'll hide you up in my room and sneak food up there, you just can't play your music too loud.
no, Em, it's not a bad choice. it doesn't make you any less cool to not go to college. stop being ridiculous dear.
oh, and as to the viewing friendships differently, well, I know. I think it's just different sometimes, not always.
I just mean, when people look at stuff they project themselves into it. When I think about certain friendships I appriciate them for certain reasons, but often I realize that the other person probably appriciates it for DIFFERENT reasons- which makes me feel like we're not on the same page... BUT, if you tried to appriciate it for the same reasons I did, then it wouldn't mean as much to you.
Haha, it's like we're drawn to people who have qualities we admire, and we want them to be drawn to us for the same reasons, since those are the qualities we value and we hope to possess them ourselves.
But likely as not, they value different qualities all together. So the reasons they are drawn to us might seem disapointing to us.
For example, I most admire Carolyn for her social skills and since of hummor, but I think she wants to be admired for being good above all else. And I think she appriciates that I'm mostly a goody-goody, while I would much rather be appriciated for having good social skills and a since of hummor.
But in the end it works out perfectly, I just don't like thinking about it.
And you're probably right, it's not all the time. *nodds*
people are just used to doing school. they've been doing school their whole lives and they've taken a million tests and talked to a million teachers. if you don't like school, if school isn't helping you, that's okay. it's something you don't have to be good at, in life, i think. with the kinds of perspectives you have on life and on people, you're going to be a better person living then jumping through the hoops.
i think it's never the wrong decisions that hurt you, emily, it's the indecision. and i only say that because that's what hurts me. things are perhaps never quite going to be the way we want, but to do something now, to say something now, is always a struggle for me and i've seen it reflected in you.
Definitely go for what you want. You said how now that you are eighteen, all your choices are narrowing down, which probably means that if you have to go a certain way, it should be a way that you want, and you shouldn't be pressured or anything, because, what if you went some way that you really don't want to go?
Sheesh, and school sure isn't helping me. Thats why I'm going to be like Lindy, and go into something related to dance.
Hum.
Okay, I'll remember that! I think you're right.
And that's interesting Beth! Thanks to all of you for your encouragement, I needed the moral support. :-) This is definantly what I want, I feel really really good about the decision and I know I'll be happy, but I would HATE hate hate having people look at me and thinking I'm uneducated.
you're uneducated.
SIke.
if you read good books you will be forty times smarter then anyone who's been to good colleges.
Oh blah!! I am not going to college unless God tells me other wise and I don't think twice about it! I mean sure, any kid who goes to college and is public schooled is gonna be able to woop me at chemistry, but I can out think him any day. My education was consentrated on what DOES matter in life, using your brain, knowing how to think. All the science mumbo jumbo isn't going to help you NEARLY as much as being able to figure things out without help.
I think education is really really important, but not as much as our government has us believe.
I'm sorry Emily. I am ranting on your blog. *slaps hand* Bad Lindy!
I really agree with what you said, Em.
I don't know, Lindy. The government thinks that education is important, but it has the wrong kind of education up on its pedastel (sp?).
I'm so glad you know what you want to do, Em. I support you 100%, even though it's probably not what I would do.
Can I please ride the pony?
P.S. Timri is the perfect name. But mine is going to be named Moonsilver.
I wanted to name the pony Quensy!
My bottom lip is OFFICIALLY out!
haha. Pout away Lindy!
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