And this time I really swear I will mean it

Last night something amazing happened, I started to cry while I was sitting alone in my room listening to music. Usually I can’t cry outside of fabricated soap-opera conversations, but this time I kept crying for quite a while, crying really hard, which also almost never happens. To cry like that a person has to care at least a little. I didn’t realize it, but I haven’t cared for quite a while now.

And now I’m thinking that’s the definition of passion- caring a whole heck of a lot. About anything and everything.

You can loose passion, stop caring, when the things you love and believe in get out of your reach. Then it’s much easier to give up, to trick yourself into thinking you don’t need or want them anyway.

To be passionate you have to believe in things out of your reach, you have to live for them and die with them even if it hurts like hell. Hope and faith and belief do not come free, the price is your whole heart and you only have one of those to give. You sell out all at once and spend the rest of your life fighting and bleeding and loosing for your cause, and somehow this all adds up to equal a victory.

And you’re going to be alone, no matter how loud you scream. Only God hears you, only He can fill you. You only make a difference when you start to listen to the constant babble of voices around us- everyone has something to say. That’s how you love, you listen. Because nothing anyone can say or do can make anyone else’s world right. That’s just the way it is. And yet it’s worth it, the caring is everything.

Sometimes not caring looks like strength, when you lock yourself up in a box deep inside. But strength is the ability to keep caring deeply even when it’s going to cost you everything. Or when the caring seems pointless, like you can’t make a dent. Trying is everything.

This is the purest satisfaction and the truest joy.

I want to live this. Not just talk about it. I haven't changed in the least yet. I’ve seen it, I know it exists, I’ve tasted it myself, but I’ve never really lived it all the way out. That’s what I’m going to work on. I can't believe how harsh and shallow I've become, I've stopped writing in my journal, I've started keeping secrets from people, I've completely stopped investing in the relationships around me. Everything I do is either out of obligation or selfishness. It's like I have all these amazing friends who mean nothing to me, it's all just pretend because I expect them to get it and no one does. It's all my fault, because I don't know how to do this, yet. Where does it begin?

Now I see why I like pop songs and musicals and sit coms so much, it's all an easy way out, a defense mechanism. Try to beleive that life is like that and it will be easy, but it will mean nothing.

I can feel again, I see the beauty in everything, every tear is so alive. God is so real.

There's the strangest excitement today
If you're awake then you're welcome to hear
I got a gift and it blew me away
From the far eastern seas straight to hear

Oh God, I feel like I'm in for it now
It's like the rush has gone stright to my brain
But my voice is as lonely as loud
As I whisper the joy of this pain

Then suddenly
You've done it all
You've won me over
In no time at all

And now
I'll stop the storm if it rains
I'll light a path far from hear
I'll make your fear melt away
And the world we know disapear

Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh
Ya-oh, oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh
Ya-oh, oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh

Like God himself is comming home to say
I, I can do anything
if you want me here
And I, I can fix anything
If you want me near