we just followed along

I don't think any verse in the entire Bible affects me as much as these words:

"Immediately, while he was still speaking, the rooster crowed. And the Lord turned and looked at Peter."

It's so earrie, chilling- shaking. The Bible characters I relate to the most are Peter, Pilate, and King Nebuchadnezzar. I wonder, if Jesus came again, would I like him? I think I might think he's too pious and holy for my liking. And when I found out that he is the son of God, what would that do to my faith? Every time one of the Bible characters comes face to face with God they are left with a hopeless since of their own dirtyness. I feel that way right now, and not because I can't keep all the laws and do all the right things but because of who I am, which is somehow unholy, my desires and my nature.

And yet somehow it fails to really bother me. I've come to a dead end in my spiritual life, where I'm recognizing that I'm decrepid and dead in my sins but not quite sure what comes next. I'm pretty sure that God doesn't get anything out of my do-gooding or whatever little holiness I could attain to. There's a verse in Job that talks about it. I recognize that he's real but beyond that, how does it affect me? I'm actually comming up short when I look at the gospel. I expected it to be more. And that tells me that I'm missing something.

I like the part in Amazing Grace where William Wilberforce is laying in the dewy grass talking to God, just rolling around in the joy of being alive, when all of the sudden he is startled by the appearence of his butler. Trying to explain, he says something like, "Here I am at the very center of the most contraversial political campain of our time, and in my heart I want spiders webs!"
"You found God, sir," the Butler observes.
And Wilberforce smiles and says, "I think he found me."

I wonder, if I hadn't been raised with God as a given absolute, how would he have found me? Would he have found me at all? Where is the power, the grace, the everlasting life? I beleive in God because I was raised to beleive in God. Is there anything miraculous about that? I'm running at things and knocking them over trying to find the passion, the love, the purity that I want, trying to find God. I've heard whispers of more and I beleive it's there, I just want it to touch me and I want to know that it's entierly outside of me.