Right now I'm very frustrated with the whole mass crawling quantity of humanity in general. My life would be so perfect if it wasn't for the obstacles this world has set up in front of me. If I had never been influenced by anyone in my life, I would know who I was and I wouldn't question things. If people just tried, on even the smallest level, to understand other people and me, to see the differences and truly honestly respect them, we would all get along just fine. If parents did their job perfectly, if siblings never provoked, if friends were never boring and if sensors would so much as glance outside the box to hear what I'm saying, and so many other things, then I would never be unloved or provoked or a bad friend or a grumpy person. It's not like I walk around this way, being a person that is so very difficult to love on so very many levels, just because I am that way. There's reasons and causes behind it all, and I'm just not overcoming them the way I should.
Of course this makes it my fault, but that's just the problem. Why is it that my parent's negativity has to cripple me? I'm sick of being trapped by human nature. Why do some things make me happy and others make me sad? Why am I forced to be depressed when I fail? Why am I forced to fail when things aren’t going right and I can't focus? Why can't I focus when things aren’t going right? Why do I cry when I'm sad and laugh when I'm happy, feel good about myself when I'm loved and awful when I'm not? Why am I grumpy when I'm cold and have sand in my shoes? It's all perfectly natural, it's the cause and effect relationships built into our human psyches, but I'm very sick of these things determining my mood, my attitude, my relationships; my life.
Think what we could be outside of it all. Just able to live and be ourselves without being affected by life and other people and this corrupt world. We'd be the way we were created to be, without any of the junk that's ruining all of us to some degree. Without all the things making it difficult to be perfect, it would be easy, I think. But God holds me, ME, responsible for the way I handle it all. He calls me to be perfect even while there are so many things getting in the way. It's such a vast responsibility to be human.
Friday, August 24, 2007
that would be like pouring rain drops back into a cloud
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2 comments:
Oh Em! *hugs Emily very very tight so she can't breath* ME TOOOOO!!!!
I'm glad you're writing it down - it makes me feel not so alone. :)
I really am at a loss of wisdom on this one, cause I'm going through the same thing and am trying to figure it out myself. (btw I just stole the sand in the shoes thing for my post) Maybe we can just email each other about it and bounce each others thoughts off one another, yes? Ok, good.
Love you Em! Email me! oh wait, it's my turn. hehe.
you're right, it is a big responsibility. but try looking at it from the other side. what if you had never ever been influenced by anyone in any way? We are who the people around us make us, truly, and think - what would you be like? I think that would be pretty awful, being a sinner forever alone, instead of a sinner with people who influence you, and whom you influence (hopefully for good, if I know you mnm!), and all trying to grow together in God for His glory, just think what wonderful practice it is at getting along with people, even when they bug you!
can you tell I'm very happy right now? yeah...get me when I'm down and depressed and I'll probably come ask to have a pity party with somebody, ha-ha.
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