I'm really quite tired of sitting down here and trying to think of something to say. We live in such a fake world. It's disgusting. I disgust myself.

We leave in less than ten hours for Arizona. I'm not excited. Today was an incredible day, I feel like I've been cured from a deadly infirmity or awoken from hibernation. The Boyds came to the fellowship luncheon and I got to sit inbetween them at lunch and during Sunday School. (care for a gummy worm, Anna?) Sam made me laugh harder than I have in a long time; it was worth it even if I did choke on my milk. Then I got to serve ice cream with Danny and pretend to be cool and joke with him and I didn't make a fool of myself too badly, which is more than I usually bother to ask as far as he is concerned. And I'm getting better and better at carrying on conversations with people I'm not comforatable with. I'm even enjoying it. I made friends with Jacob over the last several weeks and I'm very proud of that, because I don't usually make friends on my initiative. Maybe next I'll take on Tessa. Out of lots of deep discussion during long hours at the co-op nursery, Jessica and I have formed this brilliant half-mocking, sarcastic relationship that bounces perfectly off all other friendships as we travel in our different circles. Christina trusts me more than my rare loyalty has ever deserved.

I love my church. I'm slowly realizing this, I absolutly love my church. They could be so, so much more, but I don't think they're doing anything wrong and I honestly truly love being there almost more than anywhere else on the plannet. I don't think I could quite stay forever, but I think you have to loose something when you go bigger and start being more accepting and loving, as odd as that is. The people are faithful here, and they stick together for the most part. It inspires me.

But quite frankly I have no desire to get in a car with five other people and two week's worth of stuff and head out down the road, driving all day and stopping to sleep in the woods every night. It's like Dee said, you almost need a vacation to recover from vacations. We're going to kill each other. It seems like the very least my parents could do for this broken family would be to acknowledge that we're broken, but instead they insist on pretending.

Oh! I'm reading Emma, and she is so much like me! Well, except for the whole not-wanting-to-get-married-ever part. And we watched Sense and Sensibility again the other day. Jane Austin is an absolute genious. Her hidden sarcasim and the absolute hilarity with which she constructs diolague, I just could not get tired of reading it. Especially when I read it out loud. She's quickly becoming my favorite author of all time, maybe even better than Ann Weil. She fell! She fell, and he's carrying her! I don't know why I read as little as I do, whenever I am reading I am twice as happy as when i'm not. It's the perfect refuge.

I guess you never know, I could end up having a great time on vacation. At least I have low expectations. I'm definantly determined to make the best of it. And I plan to write letters and read more Jane Austin and perhaps break in some new songs (quick, any recomendations?) and definantly get inspiration so I can start writing again when I get home.

Hum, I sound like such a little rain cloud. Only one exclimation point in the whole post! (op, two.) I don't mean to be negative. I mean, there's grace. How can anybody stay negative for long while there's such a thing as grace?