*sigh* Thank God for God! How does anyone live without Him? He is so good.
But even still. This new plan for schoolwork is WAY harder than I thought it would be. I guess one advantage to not carring is that you don't really get stressed out about anything, but now I'm staying up super late every night trying to get stuff done and agonizing over everything.
Not to make myself out to be a martyr or anything, lol, this is a relatively easy load. I'm just so used to slacking off, this is way harder than it should be. Already I've fallen way behind, and this time it doesn't just come out in the wash. I have to catch up.
I'm just downright lazy. I could use a lot of prayer there, if you think of it, cuz I know it's not just going to fix its self.
Humm. Now I'm doing it. Falling into nobody-cares-anyway syndrome. It's kinda true, isn't it? I mean, who really wants to know every borring detail of anyone's life?
I've been thinking more and more about mission work. I mean, I've always known I wanted to spend at least a little while in a foreign country helping out, but I'm now thinking I might want to spend a lot more than that. Maybe even a life time. I always used to say, no, no, that's not for me, God wants to use me here... but it's been on my mind so much lately. I feel guilty all the time, enjoying all the good things we have here without ever sharring any of it with those who have nothing. Plus a lot of my other dreams have been slowly dying. Almost as if God is clearing the runway. So we'll see.
In the mean time, i've been wondering: If this is my India, than where are my Indians? I can't remember the last time I've sharred the gospel with anyone. And looking around, there are lots of people in my life I could be ministering too. Most of the time it's just my own lazyness, again, that's stopping me.
I kind of feel like I'm going backwards lately. I don't know. I sound all pious but I don't feel that way. Sometimes it just feels like God is further away than normal, and everything else gets cold. I want to be used, God, to shine for you! Where do you want me to be? I'm lost.
But I know there's a path for me. I just have to find it.
Friday, May 18, 2007
The leaves clatter in vain
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5 comments:
Oh man if I could count the times that I felt lost! It's a great thing that you are seeing your weaknesses and working around them. However, don't ever think you are sliding back in your faith. The Christian walk is not a constant upward trend of growth. It's a series of stairs and you hit plateaus where you feel like you doing nothing and then you shoot up like a rocket. It's a constant change but as long as you focussed on God, you won't slip back. I don't know if that makes any sense or not. Sorry I just got back from a long party and I can't get the techno out of my head :). I love ya sis and I'm praying for you always!
I'm praying for you too...and something you said caught my eye.
where are your Indians? They are all the people you noticed whom you haven't shared the gospel with yet. (ha-ha nice analogy, btw) You know who they are, where they are, and what they need. sounds to me like you're ready!
but I'm still praying for you for direction and school stamina!
I am praying for you Emily . . .
I hope that you wil be able to ajust to a new schedule . . . and we do care about the little details in your life Emily!
can you read my mind?
falling behind, feeling cold and left out.
wanting to do something with my whole life, big and world shattering and mind blowing.
shine on, emily.
you can never really be lost as long as you keep searching, keep reaching out and adjusting and finding and exploring new ideas.
and, btw, i want to hear every single little excruciating tiny little so-boring-you-fall-asleep detail. =-)
Ryan: I think you can slide behind in the Christian walk- if you stop trying you're not just going to keep magically growing. But thanks for your words of encouragement par usual (note the phrase I picked up from your rhetoric project!!!) and things are going much better for me.
Verya: I know, that's exactly what I meant. And thanks for the prayers! :-)
Beth: You rock.
Sam: Thanks so much. I'll be praying for you too... paralell lives. lol.
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