This has been the month of revelations for me. I don't really know how it all started, except perhaps with Jonathan's thought provoking visit, but I feel as though God said, "Okay, she's running, running, running (my, she's sure getting fast, and cocky about it, too)… and STOP! Okay, look, you are doing absolutely everything wrong. I want you to turn around, all the way, and go in the opposite direction."
"But God! I only know how to run this way…"
"Turn around anyway. I'll help you. You'll start out slow. Just take a baby step."
The turn around was painful in and of its self. And now, I'm taking baby steps as I try to fix my life and who I am. And yes, that means backtracking a loooooong time, and revisiting every painful track point I thought I had already passed, and running into a lot of people that I thought I was running with. It also means a lot of trust, because I really thought I was supposed to be running the other way and I can't see the finish line from here.
Sometimes it feels a hopeless mission. Almost every day I find myself on my knees, angry at myself for another failure. This isn't the way it's supposed to be, God, why aren’t I getting any better? But what I've realized is that change doesn't come just by recognizing that you need it. And neither can you merely ask God to change you and then sit back and watch the show. It's going to be a grueling transformation, and it takes active participation on my part. It takes failure after failure after failure to make a success.
If you guys could pray for me in two major areas, that would be really awesome. I need a lot of help respecting my Mom, for one. Our personalities clash and it's very difficult for me to submit to her. Just pray that I would be able to control my anger and resentment in the moment of temptation. And if you could also pray for me in any work I have to do, from school to chores to deading files. I have a terrible work ethic and my grades have always shown that. I just need the daily strength to get up and hit it hard for the glory of God.
All of this sounds all nice and holy of me to say but believe me, it's not happening like this in real life. I need as much prayer as I can get. But there is a finish line, I know- and the race is so worth it.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Please don't make me say/how many times I've fallen down
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3 comments:
i'll continue to pray for you, emily, you make me laugh even when you're sad. ("my, she's sure getting fast...")
stay strong, keep running even when your muscles scream and when you want to collapse.
you're so much closer than you think you are-there's no fall that you can't recover from, there's no depth god can't reach to. it's never hopeless.
you're way too hard on yourself, and i think a lot of other people are being way too hard on you right now too.
I'll be sure to pray for you Emily. I think that part of turning around and doing the right thing is always staying on the alert. At least, to me it is. I have sooo much trouble with responses to things . . . and saying the right thing, especially with my siblings. Half the time I reply grumpily, or did what was needed half-way, or not been cheerful about things. I can think of several occasions just this morning, when I didn't do the right thing. Maybe they were little things, but still . . . Thanks for your posts Emily, they make me so much more aware of my life, and what I really need to work on!
Wow Em, I just read your post and I'm glad I didn't read it yesterday because I totally needed it RIGHT NOW! It really blessed me, so thanks for posting it.
I'll definitely be praying for you. You're right - the race is so worth it. And remember that sometimes you have to run into the people you thought you were running with, but it's a two-way street and you still have friends running the right way with you.
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