Today has been such an interesting day. I don't really know how to describe it...
But yesterday, I talked to the most inspiering person EVER. It was so cool. He's a college student from Ohio who used to go to our co-op, and he virtualy radiets energy to everyone around him. He's one of those people who never stops smiling and always makes you feel like you're the most important person on the plannet. And the most amazing thing about him is that he is so passionate about God and has such a real, personal relationship with Him. It's incredible to be around someone like that, even for an afternoon. I have to wonder how many lives he has touched. Because last night, he certainly touched mine, and I'm sure he had no idea he was even doing it.
As I was sitting there alone in my room praying last night it occured to me, all of the sudden, that I am wasting my life. Every day is the same. I go through my schoolwork half heartedly and then go off to whatever activities the day holds with the intention of simply getting through them with as little pain or stress to myself as possible. I've even stopped writing, and emailing people, and hanging out with all but my very closest friends. It's not that I'm withdrawing- sure, I'd love to go to the three million things Ryan invites me to, form real friendships with some of the people I talk to every week, and even have someone over to my house once in a while (*gasp*), but I've just kind of decided it wasn't worth the energy.
It's like everything in my life is absolutly stagnant. Nothing changes, or goes forwards, and I only exert myself when I really, really want something. I'm sure I'm miserable to live with, too. I come out to play for Sundays and some Mondays, but then I just go back to being grumpy and lazy again. And I was forced to realize that there is a huge difference between existing like I am and living for Christ like Johnathan is.
And I'm sick of it.
What I really need is some sort of ambition. I think that's what I've lost- I don't really have any ambitions any more. Nothing to fight for, nothing to dream about... I've convinced myself that I'm happy and so long as time continues to go on, so will life.
Today was better. I got up and got right to work, and had almost all of my school done by lunch. At work I worked harder than I ever have before, which is a whole nother story. But by the time I got home at five, I was so exausted I could hardly force my legs up the stairs so I could colapse in bed.
It feels really good, to put in a hard day's work. Now I just wonder... how does one become like Johnathan? How can I shine for Christ like that? Where does the energy and the passion come from? How do people like that do it?
But of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and beleive
the voice of truth...
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Let the rain come down, and wake my dreams...
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14 comments:
you're quite a bit too hard on yourself, emily joy, ease up a bit. =-)
if you're not happy with where your life is, then yes, change it. you're right, you shouldn't try to get by with just enough smiles, just enough effort, just enough friends, just enough passion to get by. step out, no one is going to tell you to do it or ask you to try it, it just has to be you. and first step is half the battle. and it's never going to come easy.
between who you are and who you could be,
between how it is and how it should be
and believe me, i'm not coming from the perspective of i've already been through this, i still grapple with this nearly every day,you use the same words i use(d), and i'm a lot closer to where i want to be than i was six months ago.
here's a quote from good ol' ralph waldo, hope it helps somehow.
"To laugh often and much, to win respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends. To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition,to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived...this is to have succeeded."
so, hope something there helped somehow, i'm always here, and good luck! godspeed.
and i know two people like jonathan, they're the best. =-)
and i know that you're a lot closer than you think. just let in a little more love, right?
If you keep trying to work hard always, I think you will be making steps forward. It will help you later in life too. And getting things that need to be done, like school, is so nice. I'm pretty certian that taking time to do what you want to do is 10 times sweeter if you have done everything you need to do. And if you aply yourself to what needs to be done, it will get done, and It won't take all day. I also think that working hard and then ALWAYS taking some time to enjoy and do other things is really important. Even if you can't do it everyday, take a break.
I guess that is sort of off topic, and I don't think that there is anything I can tell you such as by way of advice etc. etc., but I do encourage you, and you are my cousin and I love you.
Oh, and that quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson is really good "To laugh often and much . . . to win respect of intelligent people and the affection of children . . .to appreciate beauty . . ." it is perfect.
I think lots of people don't apreciate beauty as much as they should. And it seems to be my lot in life to be surrounded by intelligent people.
Okay Em J, It's my turn to do the encouraging and support now. What you said is really wise and shows a level of awareness that most people don't have. Apathy is not a fun thing to realize you're doing. To be honest, as you've told me many times before, you're being to hard on yourself. Yes there are always areas that you can improve on but if you only focus on fixing the wrong things you do, you'll never go anywhere. It's like constantly fixing a flat tire while you ignore your beautiful V8 engine. You've got a heart for God and a drive for personal betterment. But take it from someone who is way to critical of themself, don't beat yourself up over it. You see that a change needs to happen and so you work on changing and continue with life. I personally know that you are driven to learn about God (not apathetic), driven to support your friends (not apathetic), and driven to create harmony at home (again, not apathetic). I know these things for a fact and you do too but I know that it helps to hear them again. And it's funny how God works. He puts some of the most unexpected people in our lives to show us how we need to change. God used KD to show me that and He used Jonathan to show you. You're an awesome and amazing girl and I'm so glad your my sister. I love ya sis and I'll be praying for you!
Praying In Christ,
Ryan
Thank you so much, everyone. I'm sorry to have been such a rain cloud lately! Really, I have a wonderful life.
But if any of you see things, now or ever, that I could change or work on, please just let me know. You guys are the ones who know me best, and I need your honesty.
Well darn, if you want me to be honest I guess I will be. You're an awesome Christian who loves the Lord and cares for her friends. The rest, is trivial. With God first, everything else falls into line. Praying for you sis! Love ya!
Praying In Christ,
Ryan
i'm with ryan for once, haha. you're dandy the way you are.
praying for you still, emily joy!
Where is everybody?
Ummm...yes. Ditto what everyone else said and I'm praying for you too Em!
live your life for those that you love.....
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