hi-ho

drizzy-dreary thoughts today, thought I don't really know why. I think I may be lonely but I don't want to go see anyone. I think I may feel cooped up but I don't want to go outside. I think I want to talk but I don't have anything to say and I don't want to see my words on a public page.

It's a blustery day, I went and got my hair cut and then walked to the mall, which is intrinsically a bad idea because hair cut place people always magically make each of your hairs microscopic in width so that it becomes practically anti-gravitational until your next shower. Try that in a windstorm, with bangs newly too short to tuck behind your ears but still too long to be out of your eyes, because you didn't want them to be in the way. And try all of that while on the cell phone.

Actually I have to go do the dishes. Funny how posting helps me, i'm just forbidding myself to use the backspace button and plunging forward. Science class is very strange, I've never found a group of people harder to socialize with. I made one friend and introduced myself to three others, but Pierce people, they're just a miserable lot.

I keep feeling like there's something I'm looking forward to, but there's not, I'm just sort of living, floating. God gives so much strengh, but then there comes those times when you can't pray and the words in the Bible all bounce back and there you are, trying to cope by yourself.

These kinds of days are my favorite, with candles going inside and a storm raging out. You know, I really don't like it after it rains, I just like it while it's pouring, the more the better. It feels like the power should go out. After the storm is the worst part because then everything feels tangy and raw, I'd rather feel bundled up inside while the storm wraps around me.

Seventeen going on eighteen, if you can beleive it. Little more than one month away. It's just sort of occuring to me that this is my life, it's not going to really change that much for quite a while, and this is who I am. I feel like I'm too old to be writing blog posts.

I wish I hadn't let myself give up on piano. It feels so good to play, I picture it in my mind, I can hear it, but my fingers just don't do it. The notes are too confusing. I love to dance, though. To anything, really. I have this vision in my mind of dancing by a campfire after curfew to the music from Mike-y's car boom box with everyone from church. And other people. To the Great Escape- did I mention that? Dancing to the Great Escape. Lately I don't feel like I'm the only cabin boy left on this sinking ship, there are others tied up and we're really all drowning. They step up and pull me into their circle, saying you are one of us now. It's the strangest thing. And yet it's not what I wanted, not what I asked for.

Melt in your mouth chocolate chip penut butter cookies- Elizabeth made them. I could have another one but I'm already quite full. A fire would be perfect right now. This is one of those spell-bound moments, for some reason. I think I might be comming down with a cold, somehow it would be perfect right now. To be sick and bundled up in a plaid blanket with a mug of hot chicken noodle soup, shivering and too tired to really do anything. Instead I'm healthy and happy and strong, and more blessed than I know how to handle. What ever will I do with it all?