It's a funny thing how contentment always seems to follow fits of despare. Something about comming to the end of your rope, and finding yourself standing before a precipice with nothing but God there to catch your fall. Then it's just me and God, and nothing on earth can possibly matter in comparison.
It's true that He has shown me the reality of human depravity. Total depravity. I've always understood it interlectually, but there is a difference between looking and seeing. That's a hard wall to hit, when I've lived in such ignorant bliss for so long. But at the same time, I've come to a whole new awareness of God's presence, power, glory, and reality. Or maybe it's just like comming back to God once again, after once again unconciously trying to do it without Him. Why do I fall down again and again and again, and never learn how to pick myself back up? I guess it's because I really am totally depraved and totaly dependent on him to do the picking up.
That's an incredible thought, really. What a perfect God we serve! Man.
I have a new favorite word. Or rather, I would like to add this to my now two-word list of favorite words, along with "hope."
Forever.
Especially where God is concerned. When you compare ten billion trillion years to right now, everything just tends to pale in signficance.
Sometimes I wonder what my motives are for posting here. Am I just showing off? Trying to impress? If not, why not just write it in my journal? I don't feel like my motives are to impress, but I can't really think of any other reason why I'd have a blog. Sometimes when I read my posts I think I sound like I'm showing off, and I hate that. My posts always end up sounding more pious than I feel, and that makes me sound up-tight and proud. I've toyed with taking a break from blogs and myspace for a while for a great number of reasons, but at the same time I think blogs help me clarify things and the comments put everything in it's rightful perspective.
But as for the specific goals that SO many people in my life have been urging me to make lately...
I have a million things. And it seems terrible to choose to not work on anything that I know I need to work on, but I see that I tend to bite off more than I can chew when I set goals and then, because I'm a sickening control freak perfectionist, I get discouraged and give up when I can't meet them all.
So for now, I am going to work on this one single thing above all others, and make it my priority to change here first: I want to be an eternal optimist. So much of what I've been seeing in myself lately has just been continual negativity. If it's negative, it doesn't need to be said, no matter how miserable I feel or how funny it would be to say it... I want to be contagiously happy all the time. I will be positive. I will choose to see the good in everything and everyone. I will make the best of every situation.
Or at least I'm sure going to try.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
re-live all your memories, whisper all your dreams
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4 comments:
That was beautiful, about falling off the cliff and only having God to catch you. I could really relate.
And you're so right about the optomist thing. It's so tempting to be negative but not only is it better in God's sight to be positive, it makes other people like you better! :D
ooohhh...those two words complement each other so beautifully! you have a real talent for choosing the perfect words Em J.
And I think it's very wise to pick one goal at a time. I tend to put way too much on my plate too and then nothing gets done and I feel terrible about myself. way to go girl!
oh and about posting on your blog instead of journaling: I have a journal that I sometimes write in "therapeutically." My parents don't get it, but since you're a writer at heart I think you will. Sometimes you just have to get the emotions out on paper, writing as fast as your pen can go until you run out of words. I have to talk myself in to/out of things sometimes by just taking myself through the situation over and over again, and writing helps me do that waaay more than talking.
But still, there's something about certain times when you want your closest friends to know what's going on, and when you make a resolution that you know you can only keep with God's help and their support. When they comment and you KNOW they're praying for you - that's really encouraging! I totally understand, and no, you never sound proud or anything like that. The fact that you're telling us what you resolve to do, that you want us to hold you to it is a big step in itself, without having to worry about how you sound when you're doing it!
as always, praying for you sister!!!
I've always thought of taking things one step at a time. Don't throw everything on yourself at once. View each new day as a new opportunity, or every moment another chance.
beautiful.
yes, i was thinking about that last night.
why do i post here.
i need validation.
this is the new colored glass by which i see the world.
everyone and everything is everyone inventing ways to feel validated, to impress other people and cement our own little place in the social structure.
we need to feel that what we are doing is approved of.
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