I'm really supposed to be doing Math right now. By every sound reason, there should be absolutly no reason on this earth why I am not doing Math right now.
God, forgive me as I once again fail you, but I can not do math.
Lately I feel as though every layer of my constructed identity has been being pealed away, to reveal a heart so much blacker than I ever imagiend I could possibly have.
It's as if God is saying, "Okay, fine. You want to know who you are? I'll show you. You are a hypocryte, a sabath profainer, a flirt, a glutton, a blastphemer, a scorner. You are full of pride, utter selfishness, greed, sinful ambition, deep rebellion, and hate. You are perpetually negative, disgustingly lazy, disrespectful, careless, vain, and you deserve to be stoned for the way you treat your parents. You neglect those who need you and ignore those I have sent you to save. And you don't even care, you're not even sorry. Your pride has blinded you, and you stand in self-righousness before me and dare to call me Father."
I know I have been forgiven, I know that You still love me, God, but how can I ever possibly overcome all of this? I really thought I was doing so well, until a couple weeks spent in close proximity with extended family has forced me to see myself through their eyes. For how many years have I continued in blatent rebellion to my God without ever realizing it? How many times a day do I commit the same sins and never seek forgiveness? Is there any cure for this disease? I feel the sin still infesting me, crawling in every pore of my being, controlling and imprisoning me. I just want to be rid of it all, but I am a slave to who I have become.
I can't stop crying. Everything seems so beautiful, for one as undeserving as myself, I am overwhealmed by the grace in a God who would love one such as me. To think it was these sins that sent Jesus to the cross, that he died for them, that he would have died if mine were the only ones... Lord, why was I made to be a guest, and enter while there's room, while thousands make the wreched choice, and rather starve then come?
How do I keep from going back there; how do I leave where I am now in the first place? There is still my black heart, and the consequences to face, and the changes to make. It's such an overwhelming task.
God, where do I start?
Monday, June 18, 2007
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7 comments:
emily, you are so mean to yourself!
you have to give yourself the grace you would give anyone else in your shoes. unconditionally.
god has clearly been working in your life as of late, let yourself grow.
the shadows prove the sunshine.
don't let your self-criticism get in the way of the progress you HAVE made, even if (and i don't believe this is true) the only progress you have made is in perspective.
*hugpoke*
hope life gets better!
praying for you always.
hope to see you soon.
Emily, it doesn't matter who you were. What you are now you can change with the help of the Lord. Pray to him. He will help you change.
I know what you mean about the Carlsons. I feel like they come approximately every two years and lend us the pair of glasses that they are always looking through and help us get a glimpse of how we should be. Surprisingly, everytime we see the Carlsons, I feel encouraged, happy, and even closer with my family and siblings.
Yes, having them is huge. I've made some resolutions since their visit, every time they come is such a lesson!
And, I have to agree with Sam. You are way to hard on yourself Emily.
I'm pretty certain that nobody would say all that to you. I know you aren't perfect, and you have faults. Me too. And I have so many things to work on. We all do.
Don't exagerate your faults, or your sins.
Again, I don't really know what too say.
*sigh*
I love you Emily, and I am praying for you.
yes-yes, sounds like growing pains to me. probably for all of us our biggest fault is letting who we are blind us from who we are trying to become in Christ.
you want to know where to start? (I'm starting too, just to let you know, you totally articulated everything I've been feeling lately. how do I prepare for a life of missions when I'm so terrible, when I'm living a double-life so I can look righteous, then have some 'fun'?)
start by serving everything any everyone. this could be like a short-term mission trip anywhere, or a long-term mission trip in your backyard. You know what? God wants you to grow, but He also doesn't want you to wait until you're perfect to start sharing the Gospel with others, or it'll never happen. we'll never be perfect, but we have something that the lost people in this world don't have!
so like I said, missions work, volunteering, trying to let Jesus shine through you ALL THE TIME, even when you don't feel like it. use your strengths (I would esp. recommend writing) for Jesus. Spend more time in His word and in prayer; that has really been helping me lately because I start thinking or saying something and then I remember why I can't think that, what I should say instead.
these are just suggestions from a fellow struggler - but know that we're all praying for you!
I agree with most of what everyone's said so far... mostly. First off, we are all guilty in each form and fashion and each of our sins sent Christ to die. This is a good realization you are coming to. Not that you have flaws (as do we all) but the fact that these little things we do out of habbit like disobeying our parents sent Christ to the Cross. It's a sobering thought and one that open's your eyes.
You want to know where to start? First, read the Bible daily and really read it as if it is a guidebook for your soul not just a novel. Second, pick a very specific goal to accomplish. What Verya said is good but it is quite broad and you will become discouraged when you see that you are seemingly making no headway. What you need to do is eat the elephant one bite at a time. Pick something each day to work on. Like, "Today, I'm going to do my chores without grumbling or complaining." Specific goals will encourage you more as you see yourself growing. Just remember, you can eat an elephant all at once or one bite at a time, however, the former tends to lead to injury :-)
And third, Em J, it's times like these where you see all these flaws that you need to put things in perspective. This is just one part of your life that needs work but it is a small part. You've got so much else going good for you because of your faith and trust in Christ. Just don't lose sight of the sun while you're in the shadows. (I really like that quote sam!)
YES thank you Ryan! I didn't want to set Em's goals for her so I kinda kept it really broad, not realizing how little that actually helps. But Ryan is right - start with the Bible first and foremost, and actually talk TO God instead of talking TOWARD Him (not saying you do this, but I make this mistake of not actually listening for an answer ALL the time)!
I read this amazing quote by George Muller yesterday: "Do but stand still in the hour of trial, and you will see the help of God if you trust in Him."
and another one just a few minutes ago: "ALLOW CHRIST TO MAKE YOUR LIFE A MISSION—NOT AN INTERMISSION."
ty again Ryan. listen to him Em J.
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