There are people who are hopelessly flawed, and I'm one of them. I don't just mean in the general sense that we all have sin- I mean in the human sense, that some of us have more value than others. It's so hard to deal with these people that are hard to love. It's so hard to know where they fit in to the big picture of life that in my mind has only beautiful, smart, quick-thinking people that MAKE you love them automatically.
Life is complicated enough without this division. It's something we fight against kind of pointlessly, I'm convinced- the idea that we arn't all completely equal. Someone who is beautiful has more value in our society than someone who is ugly. Someone who is funny is better than someone who is borring. Etc, etc, etc.
More and more I find myself falling on one side or the other of this line, although I move the line around depending on who I'm with. I'm either the lovable person or the person impossible to love, all the time. Never just a person. When I'm the loveable person I look down my nose at those who arn't, as though loving them requires more energy than I should have to exert. As though it's all their fault. And when I'm the impossible-to-love person, I'm still hopelessly drawn towards those who are everything I'm not. Still hopelessly making myself promises that I will never keep- stuck forever in that rut of blind, impulsive unlovableness.
But don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm some humble, self-depricating person. Don't we all tend towards thinking the best of ourselves?
I'm sure it would help a lot if we could see each other the way God does... including the part where he loves us unconditionally in spite of everything ugly or even just annoying about us. If we could love one another that way, then we would all be easy to love. I just don't know where to start, I'm crippled by hate and bitterness and selfishness and sometimes, insecurity.
Okay, that's all I've got. Time to get some sleep.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
hello Seattle, I am a cold sea horse
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11 comments:
Wow, I got some major Deja vu reading that... 0_o Such a weird feeling.
I'm gonna read that again tomorrow and hope I can actually concentrate on it.
Hum, well, I do tend to just say the same things over and over, so I wouldn't be surprised...
:-)
Okay, so I just read this again and it made much more sense now. It sounds like you need a hug. :)
I'm a little confused about one sentence. Should - "I'm convinced- the idea that we arn't all completely equal. Someone who is beautiful has more value in our society than someone who is ugly..." - instead read - "I'm convinced- the idea that we arn't all completely equal is true.. Someone who is beautiful has more value in our society than someone who is ugly..."
you totally did make a post similar to this just ages ages and ages ago. Not that that's bad. But I do agree that you repeat stuff.
<3
we are learning the Book of Emily by rote. :P
You missed the first part of the sentense Nathan- "It's something we fight against rather pointlessly, I'm convinced- the idea that we're not all completely equal."
One train of thought. But yes, confusing grammar.
Thanks for TRYING to chat me on facebook yesterday, I had to run before I could figure out how to make it work. I'm not really depressed, just thinking too hard. And I'm sorry if I come across on this blog as whinny or emo. I hate looking like that, I hate having that attitude! Life is wonderful in so many ways and I have SO much to be thankful for.
Maybe I should make a new post about that.
Man, I hate that I'm borring and I repeat myself too. Sorry guys. :-)
ah, how true that is, Emily! I constantly find myself in the same situation, sadly.
Ah Em, i know exactly how you feel let me try to encourage :)
We all fall equally unjust or just and also equally purposeful and special under Infinite Eyes. But of course we aren't all created equal! There's no problem there. (Some for honor, some [me] for dishonor. ;) the problem is that, yes, the world has created this rating system of value (some standard of what we're supposed to look like, act like, and/or work like) which makes up our net worth, like disposable wind-up dolls. but who cares! we don't belong here anyway right? so let the world continue to stamp and label every blond-haired and blue eyed guppy in the sea. God's got a perfect purpose for us, and
He'll make sure we reach it. (exciting isn't it?)
And i agree with Nathan, group hug everyone!
Yeah Sarah, I guess it's something we all struggle with. Like I said, nothing new here at all...
"We don't belong here anyway."
That's gonna be my motto for now! Amazing how a concept so simple can get lost in daily life... I need to think about heaven more often. Thanks Danny! :-)
Ohhhh yeah =P Its crazy, all the downs and ups. Sometimes I just feel totally out of place and like everybody probably secretly hates me and yet there are other times where I totally get a big head on myself and start thinking like "They said I'm popular... boy am I cool or what?!" (lol not necessarily in those words, but somewhat the mindset I occasionally catch myself thinking on)
*sigh*
Vanity, vanity, all is vanity.... Ecclesiastes is a good book.
I was going to try to find a relevant Lewis quote to put in here, but when I looked it up, I found it was almost a whole chapter. so instead, I'll just say: go read the chapter in Mere Christianity titled "Nice People or New Men."
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