I wish I could explain what's been eating at me lately. I've spent so much time trying to get around it, either by brushing it under the rug like it's no big deal or by bustling around doing "good things" to cover it up, to make me feel like the incompleteness isn't there and like I've got all my ducks in a row.
But that's not quite true. I'm going to be baptized a week from Sunday and then the Sunday after that, I'll be accepted into the membership of the church I've been attending since I was six. I'm really excited to finally be at this point in my life, but I can't shake a nagging feeling that I'm doing it for the wrong reasons or that I don't really understand what this means between me and God. But it's not just a question of weather or not I'm ready to be taking this step, it's more a emptiness I feel in myself where I thought God was supposed to be... a hollowness in my religion that I thought was supposed to be vibrant and real and strong. That worries me in so many ways- I'm afraid of what this is doing to my testimony before my fellow Christians, my witness to unbeleivers, and ultimately to my own spiritual health.
Let me see if I can explain what I mean. I'm reading a book right now called Born Again. It's by Charles Colson, infamously known as President Nixon's "hatchet man" because he was willing to cut through the red tape and break rules in order to get things done in the White House. He was eventually charged with being involved in Watergate (a famous break-in to a Democratic safe, I think) and he ended up serving jail time for deliberately black mailing a Democrat which was somehow involved with the whole thing... The politics of this book are mostly lost on me, but I'm pretty sure that's about what happened.
But somewhere in the middle of this book, Colson becomes a Christian. Just like that. He goes from a life completely enslaved to selfish motives and sinister tricks with no religion or thoughts of God at all to giving all of himself over to the transforming power of Jesus Christ... starting when a friend gives him a copy of Mere Christianity and moving through a deep intelectual and emotional struggle lasting about a week. And then suddenly everything is different, he joins prayer groups and starts making decisions based on the Bible's teaching- though he's only a new Christian lacking knowledge, he is unquestionably different in character and personality. He talks about praying and feeling the moving of the Holy Spirit within him, and about this deep communion with Jesus Christ that is frankly unlike anything I have ever experienced.
See that's what bothers me- it seems like if I really beleived these things, I mean beleived that they were really real in every since of the words, I would live my life very differently. And it would mean something to me, other than just a pattern of life I go along with to maintain a decent status quo. It should move me to my very core, the realities of the gospel and what they mean for me.
For those of you who have been here all along, remember Sam's Narnia post? He talked about how he thought true Christianity was like stumbling through the wardrobe to find yourself suddenly in a world of wonder and joy and beauty. I thought that was the most amazing thing I'd ever read, and at the time it rang true for me. I was in a period in my life where I was very emotionally wrapped up in the things of God, but that was so long ago. I'm still here, and it's still winter. Always winter, and never Christmas. I'm still waiting to meet the roaring lion on the road, or to do battle face to face with the White Witch. I'm still waiting to see the snow melt and the truth and power of my cause to be revealed, to be crowned in the palace and to know for sure that this will always be mine- because once a queen of Narina, always a queen of Narnia. I'm still waiting to go on this wild adventure and find all of these things out for myself that I read about in the Bible and in spiritual books... but it's just not happening. I'm so disapointed and frusterated with myself.
So I don't know. I just don't know.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
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13 comments:
Maybe it's not about finding the Lion or winning your crown just yet. Maybe the whole point - the whole wonder in the whole thing, is just getting through the wardrobe. you've found a whole new world.....the fact that the world is at war doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. It means it's time for you to help in the war.
You know like in Prince Caspian, how Aslan doesn't even show up for so much of the movie?
I think we rely way too much on feelings in our spirituality. because we live in a feel-good world. and if we aren't "experiencing God" in earth-shattering ways every single day, then we come to the conclusion that something is wrong. I think it takes so much more to say, no, I believe this, even if I can't feel it, and I'm gonna do what's right even if my heart doesn't feel all warm and fuzzy about it, because I'm convinced that it's the truth.
and I'm not saying that I'm there are all. I rely on my feelings all the time and my spiritual life is beyond lacking.
I guess I just want you to know that you're not a failure because you don't always feel changed. just remember the truth at the heart of our "religion," and keep it in your head. just let those moments when it's not in your heart pass. and cherish the moments when it is. and spend time with God, especially when you don't feel like it. especially then. a dear friend of mine said that worship is the key. worship through the storms, and the hard times, and the emotionally dead times. worship.
Yeah, I totally see what you're saying- I think that's another journey I went on a while back, to realize that it wasn't about the emotions. And that may be part of what I'm struggling with now, but I also think it's a matter of faith... just really beleiving things and understanding their signficance intelectually.
John Pipper says that worship is a combination of intelectual knowledge and emotional feelings. I think both aspects are important, you can't throw one out and just try to go with the other.
I don't know, I'm sure God has beautiful things for me if I'll just devote the time and energy to seeking them out, maybe that's the problem. I'm just so lazy.
I was reading this thinking I was reading someone else's blog. It was very strange.
Again I am gone for two days and everybody posts at least two things! I'm tired and didn't even read the post yet. . .
Amen Verya! I really agree with what you are saying.
I totally get how you feel Emily, I really do. I find myself their a lot. I think that it really is true, that we aren't going to have a big rush of feelings that constantly overwhelm us.
For one thing, I think as humans, nothing really lasts for us. We're pretty . . . well, short term on everything we feel. I mean, sure, some stuff last longer than others, but no one can remain passionate about something forever. It's not part of our nature. Take falling in love for example. I think we've all heard, plenty of times that the passionate romantic love that brings people together changes throughout time into a different kind of love. Or, I've seen, in dance, when we Celtic Maidens get together to work on something, and we need to choreograph something. Sometimes it's like we're all on fire, and the ideas are coming, everyones contributing, the whole dance comes together really fast, and it's good, too. And then we have days when . . . well, it's just NOT. I feel dried up and as if I don't have a single idea left, and at least half of us are grumpy and don't want to be their. really, we almost get more of those days. But that doesn't mean that we don't want to do the dance anymore, or even dance at all. We do.
Of course, Christianity is so much more important than all of that, but I still think the basic principals of our human nature do apply.
Wow, that's such a good point Beth. Huh.
And Verya, I also liked your point about how Aslan doesn't even show up for a lot of Prince Caspian.
But buying into these ideas completely sounds like I'm settling for mediocricy- I don't want to be a 30-fold Christian like in that parable about the sower, I want to be the 100-fold Christian. Maybe I'm just to proud and can't accept the role God has given ME in life.
No, I do see what you mean Emily. I think, honestly, it's mostly something that we struggle with when we've been Christians most of our lives, growing up in a church full of people who have been Christians most of their lives. Even Christianity can be like other religions, where it becomes more about rituals and people than about actually living like Jesus.
Unfortunately, I haven't found the answer yet. I don't know how to make it different. I have a feeling it takes so much hard work though. I guess the closest I've come is seeing it in India, or hearing about it in other parts of the world where it's still new, the minority, and it's so real.
I think we've come up with a fake form of religion that we call Christianity, when it's not actually the real thing.
Wow.. I know exactly what you guys mean.
I've had times where I feel really really close to God where His love just shakes me to my core.
At other times, I still feel small and empty... I can do little things to make myself feel better but sometimes it just feels like something's missing.
Its impossible to keep a fiery passion in your heart burning forever. Its like a real fire: it gets smaller over time as it burns; requires time and energy to get it burning again.
Sometimes (well, most of the time actually), we settle for a smaller flame inside ourselves because its what we're used to. It takes a lot of energy to go get wood (or motivation/inspiration) all of the time to rekindle the fires inside of us.
God's work, though, is like an endless supply of wood for our fires. When I stop thinking about all the troubles in my life and just look around me....
I look at the trees and the sky, whether cloudy or clear and I think to myself "God made this. He made all of this". I listen to the wind through the trees and the birds singing.... even distant voices of people yelling and cars speeding on the roads....
I think the same thing. God is a musician. A brilliant artist.
It really is amazing when you think about it. Every leaf, every insect, every bird, every molecule, every star, every human heart.... Its just incredible :D
Anyway that's where I've been getting most of my spiritual inspiration from, is just the world around me.
I think its just what you make of things sometimes.
That's really cool that you can be inspired to love God more by the beauty in creation- way too often I tend to just move through life without glancing around me to notice how pretty things that I see every day really are.
Yeah, I think we could all work a little more on seeing the beauty in things we usually take for granted. :)
I've found that I'm a lot happier when I stop and think about the things I'm grateful for.
It doesn't work the same for everybody though. Just like how everybody falls in love at a different time in their lives, even when they think its never going to happen. For me, finding God was like how people describe falling in love - I never thought it was going to happen so suddenly, but there it was all at once.
Anyway its different for everyone; don't be too hard on yourself. In my case it took being away from God for a while before I realized how much I really needed Him. And even now I still have struggles with temptation and sin nearly every day. Its a constant fight for everyone, but one that all of us can win.
You'll find Him when you least expect it. Its like how Aslan in Narnia sometimes appears at the strangest times.
But it'll happen.
Huh. That's really cool. Have you read Blue Like Jazz by Donald Millar, Matt? It's one of my favorite books in the world and it talks a lot about that kind of thing- how meeting with God should be like falling in love. You should check it out if you haven't.
But at the same time, I think Verya's right in that it's super super important to seek God even when it feels difficult and he seems far away. That's when I really grow as a Christian... but I'm so bad at that side of things.
Things have been much better in my walk with God since I wrote this, btw, maybe I'll make a new post.
That's good to hear.
I haven't read that book, but I'll definitely check it out. :)
I agree with Verya too. Reaching out to God when He seems so far away can be one of the most difficult things to do. I'm pretty bad at that too, sometimes.
Glad to hear you're doing better, though! You should definitely make a new post. :)
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