this life sentence that i'm serving

A year ago this time I was in co-op, and co-op had me and my heart in every capacity of my faculties. I hated the work and the rules, of course, but the feeling of belonging I got out of being part of something bigger than myself was everything to me. I'm pretty sure I'm the only person who saw it that way, but it was great because though we were just a class to me we were epic, like characters in Survivor or something, and through the sweat of our brows bent close together over the piles of endless books and papers we had developed bonds like those between Frodo and his faithful companions. It was beautiful just because it made me care so much about things, feeling like I loved these people to the point where I would have given my life for any of them and I knew them so well I could have written novels about each one. They all seemed so interesting and exciting that it thrilled me to think I was one of them. And I remember what church was like, before it started falling apart, and how much I would look forward to Sunday and being with Sam and Anna and Elizabeth. I remember how we'd stand in a circle downstairs or over by the Organ and talk and how we had inside jokes and what that felt like, and how we were nerds and everybody thought we were rather strange and how much that excited me, because I was on the inside know of something. And I remember teen meetings at the D's and how it was so perfect, because we'd all known each other for so long and we all knew where our places were and who would ride with who, and Issacc could make hot chocolate or we could record ourselves singing on Nate's laptop and there was so much going on under the surface, everybody falling in love and toeing uncertainly at the boarders of our futures. I remember how much I invested in my family and how much it meant to me that we were so close to our cousins, and how I would relish our game nights and trampoline seat-drop competitions and the music videos we planned at picnic tables. I thought we had something really special. And I carred about all of this so zealously, I was so wrapped up in it and it was so fufilling, like I could love and care an endless amount and there would always be more fuel for my passionate, foolish heart.

That is life. That's the way this is all supposed to be. All the pain and trials and unimaginable happiness being lived out in the fullest since, wrapped up in things that are bigger than just me. God is so real when I am living like that. Everything is real, it's like my vision is clearer and my mind is sharper and all my senses are awake to take everything in, and what it all amounts to is "I AM HERE, I AM HERE!" God is in everything and everything is in God's hands, you feel like you know Him, like you can just talk to him. That's how I felt on our vacation last summer, out there in the wild grasslands with nothing but sky and a deserted highway for miles and miles.

So what is this thing where we just keep going, where we wake up each morning and begin our tasks and labor at them until it is time to go to bed? Never quite acheiving, but always striving... for what? I don't get it. This is the life I'm being asked to lead and it's very opressive. Something in me has died long ago and I can't rekindle that passion I used to have for everything. Beaten down by the realities of my dream world? I think it's more than that. I still beleive that that world exists, I've just somehow managed to fall out of step with it myself. The moments of vibrant life that I stumble into do not belong to me anymore, they are just borrowed from people who's lives still mean something. I'm weary and frusterated, I'm tired of trying to keep up relationships and goals as though I still have love or ambition to drive them. Really I just don't care. I'd rather be watching TV, that's honestly how I feel and it makes me very sick. I want to feel something again, I want to stand outside in the rain and let it pour down my face and through my hair and into my clothes until I'm soaked through, and be able to cry and laugh for real. But I just can't.