It's a funny world we live in.

Here's some things that I've noticed about people and pain: The first is that advice rarely helps. Most often people know what they should do. If someone is looking for advise they will ask questions, not just vent statements. If they're not looking for it, nothing I can say is going to make a dent anyway. And the second is that sympothy and love have their limits in these situations. Some people complain just to be dramatic and get attention but most will only feel bad if I treat their honest feelings like the bell those Salvation Army people ring to get donations. People hate going begging for sympothy and affirment, generally speaking. That's NOT what they're looking for when they articulate their problems. The third is that trying to fix pain and make it all go away is generally a bad idea. Not only because God uses pain to help us become better people in the long run but also because there is something... healthy, I suppose, in pain its self. Sometimes sucumbing to pain is healthier than ignoring it or forcing ones self to climb above it- or never experiencing it in the first place. It's kind of like exercise, it hurts but you do it not only for the results you'll get eventually but because it honestly feels good to hurt your body like that. If I just want people to be happy again I'm denying them something. Trying to make them happy again is just depressing.

The forth thing is that nobody knows any of this. I certainly don't live that way. When people are hurting I crumble with them and worry and dance around them nervously and try to fix everything and make them happy again. But it's dumb. Nobody wants that. Am I right, or is this just me?

I, for one, have completely stopped telling people things because I hate being pittied and worried over and I hate feeling like I have to be happy again in order to please them and I hate talking about myself because instead of taking an interest in what I'm actually saying people just feel sorry for me and talk to me about pain and life and how they understand and are there for me blah blah blah. Is it unhuman to say I would love a friend who would say, "Yeah, that makes since" and talk about the issues involved, fairly arguing for the other side when they can see it, without so much as a hug? But I've always had trouble receiving love, maybe I just need to get over it. Maybe I'm just to proud.

BJ was really good at this. I could pour out my heart to her and she'd say, "Yeah. Yeah. Yeah." and just let me go, and when I was done it would be her turn, and I'd say "Yeah. Yeah. Yeah." And we were the best of friends that any two people ever have been in the history of mankind. When you're scarred or hurt, that's a good time for love and hugs and "it's going to be okays" but what I really want most of the time is just to scream everything that's churning inside me to a comprehending wall.

Eh, I've talked too much. I really miss BJ. I love being at home because here I can be my real ugly nasty self and people don't pay any attention. They may not love me as much as people outside the home, but at least I don't have to hide anything here.