I hate to admit it, but all the wind has gone out of my sail about my whole little "save the world by putting my children in corrupt institutions" theory. It sounded nice but I don't think that's what this is really about.
Maybe it's really just about me being spiteful and I'm trying to not be so spiteful anymore, so let's talk about something else.
a-Ha! Song lyrics. :-)
I love this song, the lyrics are so complicated and intriguing. What do you think the message is? Or is it nonsense?
Shall I shy down?
that's boring, snoring
I'd like to
teach me to
sing in perfect harmony
And I'd like to
change the world.
It's easier than changing me
And I'd like to
find one girl
who knows me
Strum bang the drum aloud or put it down
and figure out if I'm out of line
Sit around and figure out if I'm wasting time
Wait for the sign
It's time to shine (shine) shine (shine) shine
Wait for the sign
It's time to shine (shine) shine (shine) shine
Why should I
sh-shy down?
how are you? fine.
Why should I
sit around
and be dead and never shine
It's the giant so defiant
But I'm happier if I can sleep
If I wake though, volcano
Fee Fi Fo
Fum bang the drum aloud or put it down
and figure out if I'm out of line
Sit around and figure out if I'm wasting time
(Chorus)
Living (living) fire (fire)
under my assets
I'd like to (I'd like to)
I try to (I try to)
tread tritely, so slightly
When the forest
is before us,
but we can't see for all the trees
That's when they fall,
that's when I call
The good Paul Bunyun
bang the drum aloud or put it down
and figure out if I'm out of line
Wait for the sign
It's time to shine shine shine
Wait for the sign
It's time to shine shine shine
We're out of line
It's time to shine shine shine
Wait for the sign
We're gonna shine shine shine
I've been thinking, I really don't like who I'm becoming. Or who I've become. All of the sudden it's hit me just how much I've changed for the worst this year. Do you ever find it absolutely impossible to rationalize your own behavior? That's how I feel. Why did I make all the choices I did? Why do I put myself across the way I do? There are always emotional and phychological reasons but that's not what I'm looking for, I'm looking for some shred of truth in me that does things for real reasons and not just to meet emotional needs or live up to my personality.
Tied in with that I'm realizing that grace and forgiveness are just one side of the coin, and the other is our hard and fast duty to obey God weather we understand or not. I'm really confused as I've been trying to read through the Old Testemant because I thought I had God all figured out, but then I realize I really don't understand anything he does. I guess I was thinking of him as a good humanitarian instead of an almighty force, like the one who sent that incredible thunderstorm recently. On one hand I wish he was who I want him to be, and on the other I actually have a new fear of God that makes me worship him more.
I think that contrary to what I used to think, the important things in life are those which make us feel SMALL and make God seem BIG and way beyond us. Our goal is not to understand him, our goal is to obey him.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
i'd like to change the world, it's easier than changing me
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13 comments:
Wow. Parallels. I should not be writing this post - I'm procrastinating. But I know I'll lose my initial reaction if I don't say it right away, so here goes.
Song lyrics: profound nonsense, like most postmodern stuff. A lot of truth mixed up with meaninglessness in a confusing package.
Not liking who you've become - I know exactly what you mean. One way I've phrased it to myself is that I have a lot more temptations now than I had a couple of years ago. But that makes it sound like it's someone else's fault, and it's really more like mine. I have made myself everything I am today and I have no-one to blame for all of my corrupt little quirks except me.
That is where your second paragraph comes in. I've become so much more aware in the past couple of months how far I fall short of God's holiness and how much I owe Him. I can't even give this bag of ambitions and twisted desires over to Him to fix without His help. His demand is all or nothing, and I struggle every day to give over that last corner that won't surrender to Him. I used to think - not out loud, not even to myself, but as an assumption that I never put into words - that deep down, I was inherently good, or even mostly good. My sins were just a veneer that needed to be cleaned off so that the real me, the good me, could shine through. Now I know that even in my deepest core, I'm horribly sinful. More than anything else, I want to be my own person and not have to answer to anyone above me. I'm almost in the stage that Lewis talks about in Surprised by Joy where he describes himself as 'the most dejected convert in England.' The stage where he believed in a holy Deity, but not in Jesus Christ, and was given a period to try, as the Hebrews did, to actually be righteous on his own strength, and fail over and over and over. Of course, I do believe in Jesus Christ, but it seems odd to remind myself constantly that I am forgiven, and not to derive a great deal of joy from that fact. I am learning - no, I'm being taught, beyond the control of my own will - how vast the sacrifice of the cross is.
By the way, I got Blue Like Jazz from the library today and am reading it. To change yourself, so much harder than changing the world - isn't that what he says we must do? I've just gotten to that part.
Alright, enough procrastinating. I can't believe I told you all that. ~C
Hahahahaha. That is hilarious Crystal. I mean, your opinion about song lyrics. hehe.
I was going to point out that it isn't all about understanding God, Emily, but you pretty much pointed that out yourself.
You know what I realized? On my bookmarks, your blog is still down as "Life is Good" on my blog, it's down as "Memoirs," but right now, it actually is "Jelly Beans." Now, I'm sure that has some deep theological something behind it. Just kidding, I don't really know why I brought that up.
Do you change the names of your blogs regularly?
I didn't realize you could change the name.
That's over a long period of time, several years. So I wouldn't say she changes it regularly. But yes, you can change it.
It's interesting to me, Crystal, that you would say that everything good in you has been handed to you by people in your life, like mentors, teachers, good books, etc- but you will take full responsibility for your "corrupt little quirks." I mean, it sounds right, but it is contradictory. I guess maybe people can shape us for the better or for the worse, but it's only on our own initiative that we either accept the good or reject the bad. So it's our fault if we let the bad get to us and it's to our credit if we let ourselves be shapped by the good.
Anyway, that was kind of a carry-over from the last discussion.
More parallels!!! Oh, and by the way, I am INFINANTLY excited that you are comming to Camp Hope Crystal!!!! Did you hear that everyone??? I had to scream when I got that email even though it was a highly inconvienent time to be screaming at our house, haha.
I think what you're talking about Crystal, struggling to see ourselves as inately corrupt, is something a LOT of kids struggle with who have grown up in good Christian homes and never really done anything seriously wrong. For me, it's like... I HAVE done things I never would have thought I was capable of even just a year ago. And I want to make up excuses for myself not really because I need to justify my actions but because I need to convince myself that that's not really me, that I'm still a good person deep down. It's funny how we hold onto that even when we KNOW it's a lie. Why am I so surprised that I'm capable of sin?
Good point Beth, but I think understanding God is a lot bigger of a part of Christianity than many Christians make it.
Sometime you'll have to tell me more about what you thought of Blue Like Jazz, Crystal!!
oh, and by the way Crystal, I'm afraid there's really not any way to edit comments. I just copy them, delete them and re-post them if I really want to fix them.
Yes, giving other people credit for the good in me and keeping the credit(or should I say debt?) for the bad in me is a personality flaw of mine. I know it's a problem, but I haven't really figured out how to deal with it yet. I'm an optimist about the rest of the world and a pessimist about myself...
I think perhaps it would be less contradictory to say that the good in me comes from Christ working through other people, books, etc. and the bad in me wells up from my inherent sin nature. But this isn't really correct either, because other people's sin nature can mislead me, and there has to be something in myself to accept the good or the bad, like you said. But even that part of me which accepts the good is ultimately God working through me.
I am so glad to have some people whom I'm not afraid to work through these knotty theological and philosophical problems with.
This is utterly random and unconnected and if I had my own blog I'd put it on there, but I don't, so I'll stick it randomly down here. What do you all think about the concept of being in time? Do you feel like you are moving through time, or like time is moving through you and you are standing still? (I suppose that's really a question Lucy'd be interested in, but she essentially doesn't have internet right now, so you all have to put up with me instead!!)
Well she did write a paper about it once....
I'm almost dead. just one more day. btw everyone, I've got fair this weekend. that's why I'm gone. it's also why I'm dead. I'll post all about it on Monday. or possibly tuesday. depends on how long I take to recover/come back to life.
I'll add to this very interesting conversation later on.....
can't tell you how many time I hit the backspace button in this, what I'm typing is making no sense.
yeah, see? brainded.
strike that. braindead.
D-E-D ded. got that?
mmmm.....Doritos are addicting. *crunches* yuuuummmmm.....
*does CPR on Kacy* You can die AFTER Teen Camp! ;-)
And yes, I know Lucy wrote a paper on Time, she read part of it for devotionals at Junior Camp.
She still hasn't invited me to her blog. I know she has hardly any internet, but still, how many buttons does she have to click on?
OH!!! THAT'S where you guys met!!!
*gets it* sorry. brainded still. but it's over now. I'll be back tomorrow. right now it's ice cream time......
Well I'll say one thing Crystal, being an optimist about the rest of the world and a pessimist about yourself is better than the other way around! Still, it's not good to be so hard on yourself, you're right.
Bingo, I think we've got it figured out. Good comes through Christ while the bad wells up from our sin nature. Or at least almost figured out. That may be one of those duplexes (is that the right word?) in the Christian faith that we just have to accept without understanding.
Ice cream! That sounds good. :-P
I see myself as moving through time and not vice versa. It's not something I've thought much about, but good question. I'm going to transfer it to a new post.
Yes, Kacy. I met Em, Lucy, Lindy, Beth, and various younger siblings at Junior Camp. I go to Pastor Harris' church and have been for almost a year now. I've been playing off and on in Sunday services there, and he asked if I could play for chapel at Junior Camp. I bunked with the aforementioned girls and they were surprised at how well I fit in to their group and kept starting their sentences with 'When Crystal joins our blog group....' The closest thing I said to that was one sentence starting 'If I join your blog group...' which they all corrected immediately to 'WHEN!'
Do you mean paradoxes, Em? Or dualities? Dual-somethings? Duplexes are a type of housing, as far as I know. I wasn't aware of them being part of the Christian faith. ;-)
By the way, my current plans for Teen Camp are to go over to Mazama on Sunday afternoon with my dad to help unload some food and stuff and stay the night instead of coming back with him, so I won't be in the carpool going over from JCC on Monday.
Oh sad. :( But you'll be there when we get there!!!!!
I can't wait to hear you play. ;)
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