I cannot even begin to describe how frusteratingly anti-climatic writers block is, but if I wasn't having it I'm sure I could think of lots of nasty metaphores. The closest I can come is to that of sneezing, or rather when you really think you're about to sneeze but then you...
don't.
I'd rather be making music or dancing, or acting. It's really annoying how out of my control my very own life tends to be. But that's just the way it is.
Speaking of frusterating, today at School I completely denied being a Christian. Just like Peter. These kids were gossiping in a tight circle and saying something when I walked by, and it went like this:
Laura: We can have HER do it.
Me: Do what?
Matt: Never mind! (I think she's a Christian.)
Me: What?
Matt: Are you a Christian?
Me: ye... yes...
Matt: Like, devout?
Me: No, not really.
Laura: Do you go to church on Sunday?
Me: Yeah, I don't really have a choice in the matter.
Laura: Oh.
Me: But I would even if I did have a choice. I think.
And they thought that was pretty funny, but I'm also pretty sure they think I'm a looser now, which obviously I am, not because I'm a Christian but because I'm only half a Christian. It's very annoying because this one friend I have is always telling me that I don't know what I beleive and I'm doubting everything, and I never listen, but now the truth comes out. This is honestly a pretty acurate evaluation of where I am right now. I pray and stuff, and I'm reading in 1 Samuel and it's pretty good, I get kind of excited about it sometimes. But none of it feels real, it's just something I read about, and I wonder what I'm doing wrong that keeps it from happening to me.
I really like cooking and baking right now because it's fun and straightforward, there's very little philosophy involved, you don't really have to think about it, and yet it's easy to mess up and when you don't, you create something that has a clear and useful purpose. Everything else I do feels futile. School, maybe, but I'm not doing much of that. Exercise, well, I'm just going to get old and decrepid anyway. Writing, arranging words into sentenses to make points, as though no one has ever made them before? I don't get it. Everything exists inside this bubble that can pop in a second and then nothing matters except God. And yet that's the last place I want to run.
Yes, I'm sounding very depressed but I'm really not, I'm just being too introspective. It feels like no one's really around here anymore, which actually is kind of depressing. And that's basically it, Charlie Brown.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
hi-ho cherry-oh
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23 comments:
*hugs* I'm sorry Em. That really wasn't fair of the group to say some thing like that to anyone. very thoughtless. But that's the world. They don't think and they don't care if people are hurt by what they say.
I don't know. It's tough. This is one of the many (though all very similar) reasons my parents home schooled my siblings and I. Why deal with this kind of worldly crap when you're just a little candle flame for God, when you're gonna have to deal with buckets of water your entire life?
But strong Em. Don't let the fire die.
I don't know if that's really how it is, Lindy. I think those kids really are concerned about offending me, and they care a lot more than I've been raised to beleive that they (public schoolers) would. I think if I had stood up for myself, they totally would have respected that. If I can't be a flame here in reality, am I really a flame at all?
Well Em, you used the example of Peter. After he denied Jesus, of course he was very remorseful of that as is told he went and cried bitterly, but Peter became one of the founders of the church. I bet he learned a valuable lesson that day. When we fail, we must not be discouraged. Failing and disappointment is a fact of life. What we need to do is pick ourselves up, learn, and trust that God is still in control and is doing things for our good.
I might say more later. *hugs* Praying for you!
Don't you hate it when you can't quite manage to say the right thing? I respect that what you said ends up being, all and all, the truth, but I bet afterwards, you thought of several other responses. I hate getting into those situations.
I guess what I would do in that situation would be try to figure out where I stand, and then set them strait on the next opportunity I have. Of course, I have no idea about how you would do that . . .
Wow, that is a really encouraging thought, Lucy, thanks! That helped me alot when I first read it, actually.
And yes, that's exactly it, Beth. I replayed it in my mind a thousand times. And I've been praying for an oprotunity to prove myself and stand up for Christ. It would be awesome.
*nods and agrees*
It's just hard to stand up for what you believe some times. The ultimate solution I think would be just to grow stronger, and maybe even turn that kind of situation into witnessing. Who knows?
Then again I'm really not sure if I should be thinking this hard at this time of night after the day I've had!
*mumbles*
yeah, I think I kind of know how you feel.
God and I have been in so many arguments lately. and what sucks so much is that I'm arguing with someone who ALWAYS WINS. and I just don't want to talk to Him, and I keep telling Him that, and He keeps inviting me anyway! it's so darn annoying. I just want to yell at Him.
and then He shows me something amazing, and I'm in love with Him for a whole ten minutes.
then it's gone again.
I hate times like this.
thinking about it, you already have stood up for Christ. at least one of the kids knew you were a Christian already, just from your actions or what they heard you say in class or whatever. it should be really encouraging that in this time when you feel so down spiritually, you still have a picture of Jesus on you. I'm sure God will give you more opportunities to stand for Him - like Lucy said, look at Peter. Actually, Peter is my Bible hero because he's such a failure so often and God still used Him in amazing ways - and His faith was so strong when He was done with life too. He told Christ that He loved Him - that he "agaped" Him, and later He was given His chance to prove it.
so being Peter's not so very bad after all. just give it some time, and try talking to God whether you feel like it or not.
because it's really better than not, I think.......
i dunno, i'm the last person to be giving spiritual advice right now though. i could probably use some of my own...
VERYA!!! *tackles Very in big hug attack*
No, that's it Lindy, exactly. lol, I think, anyway.
And Verya! So good to hear from you. I think I know what you mean, about times like that. The good news is that God keeps drawing you back, right? Sometimes I think times of doubt like that prove his real existance more than times of prosperity, because he has to be an active and real God to purse you like that. Peter is totally one of my biggest heroes too, if not the biggest.
I think I've finally broken though on this one, though, as usual there were things between God and I that I was refusing to relinquish. Here's something I came up with on my own that I'm not sure is really legitimate or not, but I like reading the Old Testemant and applying all the sacrifices and purifications they make cerimonially to personal sacrifices and purifications, like giving up a dream or choosing to spend a Sunday totally media-free and focused on God. It helps.
I'll pray for you if you pray for me, Verya!
KACY!!!
Deal.
man, I feel like I'm being attacked or something!
LINDY!!
BETH!!!!
did I miss anyone?
*starts voracious poke war with Lucy*
*starts game of Tig with Anna*
once, no one was ashamed.
these mashed potatoes are so creamy.
(speaking of the price of cloth in India)
KACY!!!!!! *pokes back* *giggles* *grins* *pokes some more*
ahahaha Yes Kacy! You need to tell uf ALL about India!!
kacy kacy kacy *shakes head* so silly.
tig tag.
*whimpers* And to think I woke up this morning with 0 telegrams waiting for me. Hohum.
*hums a dirge*
Oh, Em! I'll pray for you.
Hey, you need to read: Diary of a Teenage Girl.
Michaela, she's the one who read them first!
Not Emily, Eliz. Right?
Hey, let's talk this out in person.
Nope, Emily read them first, and then Elizabeth. *turns to Emily* right?
lol, yes, for once I actually read it first.
And we HAVE talked about them a little at sleepovers, I think.
Sleepovers!
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