Every now and then, when I'm watching an extreemly borring movie or bitting my nails or doing a math lesson I don't understand, I will start to think about how life fits together. Usually it starts with a single thought, which reminds me of something someone said once, which reminds me of something else, which fits in with what I was journaling about that morning... and slowly, all the peices start to come together. I'll roll this thought down an organized path in my head, picking up layers and facets of truth like a snowball as I go. Pretty soon I come back to where I started, and I realize it's all there- the meaning of life, the secret to happiness, every point of theology and all the practical applications that go with them. I have found truth, and for a breif moment, everything makes total since. I'm always amazed at how incredibly simple it is. It's very abstract, and there's alot in it that human beings can't comprehend, but it still makes perfect since. What I need to know is there, and what I don't isn't, like the mystery fits in with the facts. You could almost sum it up in a sentence, if the English language had the right words.

Then it's as though I loose part of this simple thing called Truth, like my mind can't hold all of it and it starts to leak. Or a thought will occur to me that throws off the whole balance of my little life equasion, and suddenly nothing makes since anymore. The snowball dashes to peices and becomes an avalanch, burring me instantly. That's when I usually sigh and go back to my math.

I think, perhaps, maybe, the truth is really a lot more simple than we tend to think. The only reason it becomes complicated is because it's so mixed in with error, and we're not quite capable of capturing all of it at once. We just look at one little peice, and then another, and then another, and we can't see the whole thing because we're too near-sighted; our perspective is off. Nobody has it exactly right, but there has got to be an absolute truth.

You know what I've been thinking alot about lately? Jelly Beans. They're just so cool, don't you think? Every single bean is a different color and a different flavor- you feel like you have to sort them out before you eat them, and then try one of each kind to decide what is your favorite. And then you should line the piles up from most-delicious to least-delicious, and eat the piles backwards, one bean at a time. It's not the kind of candy you eat to satisfy a sweet toth, you eat them for the experience of it, making every bean last as long as you can and letting your imagination go with each one.

The funny thing about Jelly Beans is, they don't taste very good. Not most of them, anyway, and even the good ones don't taste as good as Candy Corn, for example. But Candy Corn will never be quite as cool. It's just the concept of Jelly Beans. You say you want it weather you really want it or not, because you really do think you want it. Caramel is the same way, although with that it's the word "carmel" that makes you think you want it. It just sounds magical, "caramel." That would make a good girl's name.

Sometimes, a lot of the time, most of the time, I think my philosophy on life is a lot like my love of Jelly Beans. I'm a very whimsical person. I'm just as easily sucked in by a whimsical idea as I am by a whimsical candy, and I don't think it's out of the range of possibility to have a whimsical concience, either. I look at what I beleive, and I have to ask myself: Do I beleive this because I honestly think it's the truth, or do I beleive it because I want to?

When people talk about their philosophies, where do they get their ideas? Is a philosophy something you make up, like stratagies you brainstorm for the game of life? Or is a philosophy your perception of truth? I don't want to adhere to anyone else's philosophy, I want to find the truth. It frusterates me that this seems to be humanly impossible.

One thing I have figured out: This is not a two-sidded battle, no matter how you look at it. It's not liberal vs. conservative, it's not head vs. heart, it's not love vs. judgement, it's more like a sea saw. We're all just trying to find the balance, and constantly tipping to once side or the other. Several times a day, we fall into one of the ditches on either side, but God pulls us out and puts us back up on the sea saw to try again. We spent a whole vacation playing on sea saws once. It's not easy to ballance the weight. Even once you've figured it out you have to keep adjusting, slidding forward an inch or back two, adding Ginger and taking her off again. It never got borring, that's for sure. It sure did get tiering, though.

I think, maybe, perhaps, that's the closest to ever really understanding that I'm going to get.